Thursday 30 April 2009

Day 1 - Lords, Flights and not much sleep

I was too excited to sit in traffic, particularly peak-hour traffic as we crawled along the banks of the Thames and past the running-route we'd used several times in the preceding 6 months to get fit for our trip of a lifetime.

Truth be told, none of us really knew what to expect from the mountain, let alone if any of the fitness would be enough, or even of any of use, as soon as we hit altitude. It was probably this fear of the unknown, and some good old-fashioned child-like excitement, that meant neither Blinky nor I could sit still as we inched ever closer to Heathrow.
Earlier on we'd gathered at Lords for send-off Press Conference. It was all a very slick affair, with everybody in playing kit. Mountaineering legend Rebecca Stephens gave a speech in support, and Vicks read a statement from The Queen wishing us well. We posed, we pandered, and Kiwi pretended to catch any ball that Michael Vaughan hit in the nearby nets.

In the haste of the morning before Hillary jetted off, I was handed some important documentation pertaining to the IT equipment visa's and filming permissions etc for Tenzing's equipment. Turns out it was actually for both teams and whilst I blissfully bopped away to my overly-loud ipod on the 253, my phone buzzed with urgent calls from Kirt and Glen to get back to Lords ASAP.

Some furious packing ensued once I'd gone home via the camping store (a quick note, has anybody managed to walk out of a camping/outdoor store with change from £50?). Following some head-scratching, some worry, a fair dollop of swearing, and some manipulation of my bag and the items inside it, and some helpful lightening of the chocolate load from my flatmate Jules, I managed to stretch it beyond its limitations and creak the zipper shut.

At Heathrow, the physical evidence of the logistics behind the trip was on show. Countless Bags and boxes full of kit dominated the entry to Terminal 3. Branded fleeces, beanies etc through to medical, IT, and filming kit, and of course a couple of big bags full of cricket kit were all checked-in at the Qatar airways desk. What ensued over the next 10 hours was an all-over annoying experience. The girl behind me gave an out-loud stream of conscious 5-hour long monologue on everything she was seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, smelling, tasting, thinking, looking forward too, not looking forward too, expecting, and not-expecting on her all-inclusive holiday to Sri Lanka. What also was plainly obvious is that check-in counters don't really take any notice of who's sitting where. I was allocated an exit row seat, and all 6 foot 18 of Mike Preston was squeezed into normal window seat. Having fought with my conscious I swapped with the big fella in the knowledge that at one-stage, our version of the bionic man was likely going to have to carry me up the mountain.


On to Kathmandu after a horrific stopover in Doha (I'd rather set my eyeballs on fire than ever go there again, luckily we had the Tenzing Bible to keep us entertained), we emerged weary and confused to our first sighting of Nepal in the early-evening. Strangely enough, it was exactly how I'd pictured it. The sights of poverty and dilapidation on the streets, the colours, the smells and the haze were exactly how I'd imagined it. Looking at the nonchalant cows wandering busy roads, manic driving, and iimpossibly overcrowded buses and cars, and the seemingly impromptu markets on the sides of the streets offering haircuts, 2nd-hand shirts, and corn, it reminded me of a more densely populated and shamble Morocco. It was definitely a shock to some of the boys who hadn't been to a third-world country before, and there plenty of gasps and laughs at the wild lane-changing, horn-heavy, safety-last precautions of the driving. I wouldn't be surprised if the learn-to-drive handbook in Nepal suggested 14 different ways of avoiding an accident, none of which mention slowing down. A particular favourite was the father nursing his infant child on the front of his motorbike, the child pretending to be driving with his hands on the handlebars.

Zombie-like, we turned up at the sister hotel of where we had initially booked (our booking... for 54 people and extra cargo... had somehow gone missing). For the first time we got to meet some of the guides for our trip. Nir, Prem, Prakash were all-present, and had made up a banner for us that they drove with on front of the van through the streets of Kathmandu. For about 40 minutes I agonised over what to take on the trek with me. After some pretty expert packing, I had all my stuff ready for the next morning. The worry of knocking off the task of packing my rucksack had now gone, but in it's place the worry of the trek grew larger. I'd budgeted for closer to 10-12 kg and was actually carrying closer to 17.

Next up on the list was the money exchange, which involved a cabride in the dark into the main tourist districts. As we setoff, I mentioned to my cab-mates Blinks and Breck that this was going to be an experience. And it didn't let us down. Think Back to the Future 2 and you're about halfway there. There were 2 very frightening experiences, one of which had my flinched in the crash position as a car on the opposite side of the road pulled out onto the opposite lane to overtake... unbeknownst to him our cabbie didn't have his headlights on so didn't see him until the last minute. With a minimum of fuss, order was restored and I required a change of underpants.

Armed with over 20,000 Rupee, we headed back for a soothing, Glycerine-Infused beer (Because of the lack of refrigeration in this part of the world, Beer generally comes with a whole lot of Glycerine added to preserve it longer in the hot conditions. Whilst not affecting the taste too much, it gives you a wicked headache the next day if you consume too many), and sat down to our first local meal.

Food Watch: Tarka Dahl and Vege Curry. Nobody touched the Chicken on offer.

Wednesday 29 April 2009

Tenzing Bible

Tenzing
Notable talent with willow or leather is seeping from the pores of every Zinger from day one. It is our right and honour to control and harness these skills for the joy of others.

Squad of players representing Tenzing Norgay

Format = Name, nickname, marital status, best feature and personal details, favourite song, quote and a little extra info from G-man and Tooves.


Haydn Andrew Main ("Spaniard")
29yrs, Virgo, single, chest (of a lion), My Dick (by Mickey Avalon, as played in Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay), "Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast" (An Ideal Husband)
Right arm medium bowler
RH bat
Captain Haydn 'THE MAN' Main has the character sub-zero from Mortal Combat designed in his likeness for his ice cold demeanour and because he rips people heads off with their spine still attached. A scholar and warrior poet he has studied the art of War by SUN TZU, the Wisden back catalogue and Phil 'the cat' Tufnell's autobiography to increase his knowledge.


Nicholas Edward Mullineux (Mulleineuaeruur)
28yrs, Gemini, Married, Able to look down on almost everyone, House of the rising sun. Nil illegitimi carborundum
Nick’s world tour culminated in Jamaica, when to show who’s boss, approached the head Yardy and ripped his heart out with his bare hands before writing ‘This is my turf’ in his victims blood. A breeding pedigree that’s a perfect amalgamation of the world’s fiercest tribes, Nick will pulverise the opposition, umpires, and tea-ladies before others have had the time to strap on a boot.

James Carrington (JC)
29 yrs, Cancer, single, little ears, High Way to Hell – AC/DC,
‘Sunny side up please’
Maladroit saviour and devastating all rounder James 'JC' Carrington will lure you in with his charm and likeable demeanour much like an Andrex puppy. But on the field of play, once you lower your guard; like the puppy he will crap all over your new rug or metaphorical face. His unlimited skills come from his heritage as a descendent of Jonny Bravo, Don Bradman and Jane Fonda who are his ancestors.

Chris Beale (Blinky)
29 yrs, Libra, single, Eyes or my massively ripped arms, Fans - Kings of Leon,'… yeah so I spent last summer working on a farm looking after disabled animals…It was a pretty rewarding experience…'
Lethal pace-man Christopher 'BLINKY' Beale is so nick named because a batsman once blinked during a delivery from Chris and woke up drinking his teeth through an oxygen mask. His resting heart rate is 1bpm and his capacity for furious competition is exponential. So respected in his native land Richie Macaw cleans his toilet and Jonah Takalua is a representation of his school days.

Mike Preston (Big Mike)
32 yrs, Taurus, depends who's asking, firm handshake, Victoria (Exponents) - university anthem, 'Whatever it Takes'
International Kiwi rower and Dolph Lungdren's stunt double Mike 'DOLPH' Preston works in London and still lives in New Zealand! He cycles and swims the journey each morning followed by eating a killer whale and a small kitten. A secret weapon so devastating he is on the FBI’s ten most wanted list and is probably a KGB spy.

James Butler -
Erm, JB? WK, RH Bat, Bowl R Arm wheel of fortune.
· 33, Pisces, Married
· Nepalese looking eyes, they are going to ensure I get the "local" treatment when up on the mountain. When in Hong Kong recently, a hotel attendant asked whereabouts I was from in China - upon being told London, she motioned towards my eyes quizzically, saying "must be half". Fact.
· "Love me s@xy" - Jackie Moon. "I don't know if you heard me, but I did over a thousand" - R.Burgundy
Ebeneezer geezer James 'JB MA* C***' Butler is so full of testosterone he makes Chuck Norris look like a hobo and has keepers hands so fluid they make a Wolverine purr. His strike rate is 602 and the world stops turning when he bowls spin or the Earth will come of its axis. Ray Winstone based his ill-tempered volatile character in Scum after meeting JB on the tube in his early days.

Joe Williams; 23;
Scorpio (star signs are pointless); single; best feature 'inability to stop drinking large amounts of lager
Ludacris - I've got hoes; "Work smart not hard"
With willow we have Joseph 'MIGTY JOE' Williams named after Jesus’ earth Father who as the Tenzing bible remembers; was a keen opening bat, destroyer of bowlers and producer of hail Mary's much like our junior member!!

Mark Christopher Waters / Warts
34, Aquarius, Married - Father of two little girls, Mediterranean Complexion and the fact I now have pubic hair after a summer shaving incident, Paranoid Android – Radiohead,
“If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea”. “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.” / “Shut up and sit down you big, bald F*ck….”
Right arm medium/fast, seam-up/in-swing
RH Bat
Herts league opening bowler Mark 'RAPID WATERS' Waters, looks like wild fire on his run up with his auburn moulet a blur in his run up to line and length precision. He will have your off stump quivering and have batsmen wearing their jock straps on backwards to catch their excrement. A family man and gentleman off the field. Anything he doesn’t know about cricket or the karma sutra or both together isn’t worth knowing.

Neil Richard John Sharland (Sharlene)
27, Taurus, single, one goliath toe. (Rocky every time!)
Every time you hit him, it's gotta feel like he tried kissing the express train. Yeah! Let's start building some hurtin' bombs!
Brothers Sharland have become notorious trim trail alumni but there can be only one Neil 'WOLFMAN' Sharland. His arms/guns when flexed conduct electricity which causes lightening and thunder from the skies. Neil does not know but he is the offspring of a one night stand between Ulrika Johnson and Shadow on the set of Gladiators. His undefeated pugal fighting champion Father gave him his fearsome eyes, lethal power and 15 inch dong. His fine Mother gave him blonde hair, loose morals and a love of balls.

Gareth David Oliver Lewis (G-MAN)
27 yrs, Leo, single, massive head.
Voodoo people, The Prodigy,
Your "best"! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. You can’t fail if you don’t give up.
‘Right arm medium swing bowler. RH bat.
Super Athlete Gareth ‘The Unit’ Lewis would be compared with the greats of human sport were it not for the fact that he is actually a Cybernetic Organism here to fight both crime and Team Hillary in equal parts. With an onboard computer more powerful than the one million dollar man himself owns, he can predict swing, seam, pitch, and which member of the opposite team/sex has shat/moistened their pants before it actually happens.


Jonathan Roland Vasey Hill, (HOG)
Leo, single, big thighs and karate skills. Hog, 28 yrs, Crab, single, best feature - my imitation of a labrador on crack, fave song - sultans of swing, fave quote 'I was taking shrapnel in Kehsan, when you were crapping in your hands and rubbing it in your face.' Also “I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Right chuck mixalot (with tripe) RH bat (also with tripe).
Pain is such an alien sense/emotion to The Hog that he has been known to rip out one of his own ribs and eat it (with no sauce) if his meal isn’t served quick enough. Powerful, ferocious, and with a mean streak that makes Mike Tyson look like Graham Norton, even The Hogs own mother has to beg before being allowed to wish him a happy birthday. Hog has slept with so many women he makes Charlie Sheen look like a frigid Neanderthal. The majority of children under 10 are hoglets and now wears a condom at all times so not to put the gene pool in disarray.

James Markby aka Markby 29,
Fish, In relationship, Red hot chilli peppers.
The ‘Boy from Ipanema’ has it all. Speed to burn, power-hitting, deft touches, and a singing voice so smooth it can bring a lady to her knees and soothe a wailing wildebeest (or is that the other way around?). Markby’s effort-ball is so fierce that opposing batsmen have looked into hiring US Marshall’s for protection.

Kinsey Hern aka Boom Boom
27, Aries, Single, Proportion, 500 miles, "I was out walking my rat and I seem to have got lost" Apples and chickens may not seem like the background of a street fighter but Kinsey 'BOOM BOOM' Hern lives for the cricket square. Ross Kemp on gangs finished an episode on Lyonshall but was banned in 84 countries for brutality, torture and barbarism. The inventor of fight club and leader of Lyonshall gang is also a member of Farmers Union and holds the record of most headed chicken (4).

Gareth Wesley (Wes, Weslos, Lagtime, Slumdog Millionaire) 29,
Single, Groomed hair, Numb/Encore, 'you wanna see me kick some ass? I know fucking Karate'Right Arm Fast, RH Bat aggressive
The Rowing Machine had to change its name after Wes threatened to sue. It’s rumoured that upon sighting this so called ‘machine’ in the resting position, Wes went so wild with rage that the earth opened up beneath him and it took him 3 days to dig his way back out from the Earth’s core. Specialises in bouncers so sharp that batsmen often volunteer to stand behind their own stumps.



Nick Toovey (Deuce Bigalo)
28, Aquarius, Surpisingly Single, All-round Awesomeness, Dirty Pop *NSync, 'All I've got is these damn Nepalese coins'
Ex-Aussie rules under 15 Australian captain Nicholas 'MUSCLES' Toovey eats sleeps and walks cricket and sledging. He answers the phone with a pun and an insult to his Grandmother just to keep his wits guillotine sharp. He will make you feel so insecure and useless, your testicles with shrivel and die.

Name - David ChristieAKA - 'Dave' - (these Australians have quite the way with creating nicknames).
Age - 37 - young at heartStarsign - Sagittarian - love of outdoors!!Marital Status - married (in light of the fact that our baby is due not long after our return I am a lucky man to have such an 'understanding' wife)best feature - team playerfave song - Dreams - Van Halen - gets the heart pumping!fave quote - 'retaliate first' - Jack Dwyer (Aussie Rules legend)
Australian Wildlife Park owner Dave Christie is such an efficient killer of his prey that he once dressed up as a convincing stingray and killed his main rival. Relentless, merciless, and possessing of an unwillingness to give up that puts The Black Knight to shame; DC has been known to inject himself with living tissue just in case the need arises to grow a spare limb.

Nepal

Nepal, is a landlocked country in South Asia and is the world's youngest republic. It is bordered to the north by the People's Republic of China, and to the south, east, and west by the Republic of India. With an area of 147,181 square kilometers and a population of approximately 30 million, Nepal is the world's 93rd largest country by land mass and the 41st most populous country. Kathmandu is the nation's capital and the country's largest metropolitan city.

In 1947, he took part in an unsuccessful summit attempt of Everest. An Englishman named Earl Denman, Ange Dawa Sherpa, and Tenzing entered Tibet illegally to attempt the mountain; the attempt ended when a strong storm at 22,000 ft (6,700 m) pounded them. Denman admitted defeat and all three turned around and safely returned.
In 1952, he took part in two Swiss expeditions led by Raymond Lambert, the first serious attempts to climb Everest from the southern (Nepali) side, during which he and Lambert reached the then-record height of 28,215 ft (8,599 m).
In 1953, he took part in John Hunt's expedition, his own seventh expedition to Everest, in which he and Hillary became the first to reach the summit. Afterwards he was met with great adulation in India and Nepal.

Tenzing once said he thought Edmundo Hillary was bit of a jerk off and that any team named after him would most probably be of a similar disposition.


MAKE NEPALESE MATES USING THE LOCAL LINGO

Namaste
Hello
Toilet kaha cha
Where is the toilet
namitho
Not tasty
Trekking dherai gahro cha
Trekking is very hard
Momo khanne? Huncha.
Shall we eat momos (dumplings)? Yes, let’s eat
Kasto Cha?
How are you?
(Malai) Thik Cha
I am fine
Maaph garnuhos
Excuse me/ pardon me/ sorry
Kati ho?
How much?
Malai _kasi man parcha.
I like goat.
Amarillo jane baato kun ho?
Which is the road to Amarillo?
Mero Naam Neville Cheesman, Malai bum wee chahindaina
My name is Neville Cheesman, I don't need bum wee.

Monday 6 April 2009

Kit List


I've been asked a few times what I'm taking with me. Here was what was suggested

Breathable Waterproofs – top and bottoms
Down Jacket or similar – insulating
Fleeces – insulating layers
Base layers/thermals
Beany hat/cap
Gloves. Suggest Icebreaker woollen glove liners, as well as over ski glove type
Sunglasses – these need to be polarised, or CAT 3 lenses minimum - well worth investing in.
Sleeping bag (suitable for down to -9oC and above)
Decent walking boots (these need to have been worn in)
Trekking socks
Travel towel
Good, supportive Rucksack – you should have walked with this to ensure that it is comfortable and suits your back
Water bottle/camel back
Water sterilisers
High factor sun screen
High Factor lip screen
Durable light weight and breathable trousers/ shorts
T-shirts – avoid cotton. You want breathable fabrics which wick away sweat and minimise odour. Icebreaker is best. (Try to avoid cotton with all trekking clothing)
Torch (Head torches are ideal)
Basic first aid kit (including antiseptic handwash)
Trekking Poles – (optional)
Sleeping mat (optional)

Vaccinations:
You should have had the following, these are mandatory. If you contract the below illnesses and your vaccines are not up to date, your insurance will be invalid. We will not be responsible for any medical costs incurred by you. It looks a lot, but it is likely that you will be covered on these from previous travels and vaccination updates.
Diphtheria
Tetanus
Polio
Tuberculosis
Hep A
Typhoid
Meningitis

In addition – there is a very slight risk of illness and these vaccines are available. Not imperative though:
Hep B, and Rabies

Additional medical supplies we recommend. This info was all in your doctors letter which was circulated:
- Acetazolomide, or ‘Diamox’- help protect against altitude sickness. Need to be given these by GP.
- Antibiotic called ‘Metronidazole’. Ideal for Giardia. Symptoms of this can be severe and debilitating. Recommend dose of 400 mg 3 times daily, for 5 days.
- General Infections – ‘Ciproflaxin’. This is broad spectrum antibiotic, covering chest, sinus, urinary and wound infections.

Other:
Immodium
Ibuprofen / preferred painkillers
Rehydration sachets (ideal to drink 2 per day, irrespective of illness etc)
Vitamin C dissolvable tablets. These will add something to taste of sterilised water, and provide additional nutrients. (Berocca or similar)
Anticeptic cream- Savlon
Zivorax
Moisturising lotion (post sunburn, wind burn etc)
Additional blister plasters

I have got all of the above apart from a sleeping mat (we will be provided thin mattress-type-devices in the teahouses that we stay), and the 2 'suggested' vaccines. This has all come out of my own pocket, apart form a Balaclava and Ski Gloves which I've borrowed off Matt Drummond. In addition to this, we have:

Cricket Shirt and Trousers
Polo Shirt
Tracky Bottoms
Ipod
Solar-Powered Charger
Nokia Handset (Free!)
Travel journal
Bed-Bug resistant sheet to put on top of mattress.
Chocolate
Beef Jerky


Intangible but essential:

Banter
Easy-Going attitude
Constant remembering of where we are and what we're achieving
Smile
Determination

In short, I can't wait

Stick Cricket

Avid fans of my blog (Fans probably shouldn't be plural), will be able to recall me announcing that I managed to snare us out very own computer game. I was tapping away at a highly addictive game called stickcricket and I thought it would be great to see our own names in there. Inspired, and perhaps a tiny bit drunk, I emailed the guys expecting to hear nothing back. The very next morning I arrived at work, and Paul Collins from sticksports had got back to me. He loved our idea and was massively keen to get onboard.

What has resulted is a seriously awesome game. Sticksports gets over 6 million hits a month in high-season, and our version of the game has been hit 2 million times alone! You can't buy this sort of promotion, particularly at a direct target-market, and Paul have it to us for free, which is just phenomenal. The background looks stunning and, I've been lead to believe, is a fair reflection of what to expect at the venue

I'd suggest having a hit. You can change the batting order so that I come in early. You can also smack the opposition off the mountain. Or you choose the disturbingly popular option of not doing anything whilst a bouncer smacks into my face, knocking me out.

The First Final


I quite like the relevance of my subject title. Generally the phrase 'The First Final' evokes memories of getting down to the SCG in late Jan to watch Australia inevitably beat a tired touring team in the first of a best-of-three finals series. This reference, however, has been stolen from Long Way Down. At the last border crossing into South Africa, Ewan remarks that its the first of the 'final' acts they would commit on their 3 month journey. Our version of this was the final expedition meeting.

I must admit that lately I've been playing a mental montage in my head of differing memories since The Everest test turned my life upside-down this time last year. I've definitely come a long way since I could barely walk up the stairs at The Amuse Bouche at our original meeting.

It was with a touch of sadness that I headed off for Lords for our final pre-trip get-together. Whilst part of me is jumping out of my skin to get on the plane, there is significant portion of me that doesn't want this trip to end. We had to fill out a little media pack for Captive Minds last week, and it on my biggest fear was the post-trip depression that will no doubt occur once I get back and it all sinks in that it's all over. Then again, my sadness could have been due to the fact that after dinner at Jim and Emma's place the previous night, I hadn't managed to get to sleep until 2am. Not too much of an issue really, but when Butler call's you before 9am to appease one of his many neurotic meltdowns about the trip (this time about immunisations), it did get on my nerves a little. Conversation as such:

*phone rings*
Me: urgghhhhhhhh
Butler: Hello Mate, I wanted to talk to you about jabs
Me: urgghhmmmmumph
Butler: Do you think it's too late to get all the recommended jabs that are on our to-do list?
Me (furious): ummmm ask your doctor mate
Butler: Yeah I have. Which ones did you have?
Me (annoyed): All the ones on the to-do list
Butler: When did you have them?
Me (massively upset): When the to-do list said to have them
Butler: Right, ok. Well I'm being charged £150 by this travel clinic and they told me exactly what I need and that it will be ok. What do you think?
Me (incredulous): Well help me help you. What answer do you want? Do you want my actual advice, the official advice, or do you want me to tell you want to hear?
Butler: Well a combo of the 3 ideally
*phone line cuts off*

Further infuriating me was the fact that I forgot to bring along Vicks and G's passport, so had to go via work to pick them up. Then I realised that getting the tube was going to be risky for lateness. So I ordered a cab. I don't remember asking him to take me via every speed hump in London but I was almost ready to lose my breakfast. I then wound up at the wrong gate. When i finally arrived at midday, it turned out that the meeting wasn't going to start until 12:30.

The meeting itself had it's ups and downs. It was like any standard meeting for me. I concentrated for 15 minutes and then started entertaining myself by making as many stupid comments as I possibly could. Particularly following Alex's medical advice to 'swallow it down' and following Butlers excellent question of 'What's a long-drop?'

Announced was the snaring of a Title Sponsor, with Nokia Maps coming on board, and also some sadder news that Charlie B-N had to withdraw from the trip at the last minute due to a long-standing illness. A couple of weeks back, I spent a 15 minute train-ride contemplating the horrors of having to make that decision after carelessly rolling my ankle, and the mindset wasn't pleasant. Everybody on the trip feels for him massively and there will be an apt tribute to BN during the game. 2 other sponsors come on board, Bulldog - a grooming company (!) and Mumm, a champagne partner... The champagne is obviously for post-match celebrations however I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to be drinking it. We were then subjected to a harrowing Medical presentation. Breck described that it was either a headache or death, and if it's neither than it's most likely a mile-long tapeworm bursting from your arse like a party-popper.

Following the marathon meeting, we headed down to the indoor nets. These would have to be the premier indoor facilities in the world. With the pitches graded from fast-to-slow, we were allocated the faster pitches. With brand new pink balls. Forgetting this, I nominated myself to have a hit early on. What proceeded was a confidence-shattering lesson in pain and swearing. Ignoring the sledging form my own team-mate who was stood behind me (thanks Wes), I proceeded to play and miss at just about everything from Waters, Neil, Butler and various others. Joe Williams was heard to remark that if even he could make the ball do hoops, then I was certainly going to struggle. Add to that the spitting nature of the fast pitches that aided even Chris Martin in bowling throat kissers, and I was in for 15 minutes of pain. Thankfully Waters was just too good for me, and I avoided most of his deliveries through sheer ineptness rather than good judgement. Neil is a touch slower so I fancied my chances. Except he hit me. The 3rd time was flush on my inside leg. Sharp intake of breath. Throbbing thigh. Don't show it hurts. Exhale. Deny that it hurts to a genuinely concerned Wes and face up. Throw kitchen sink at next ball. Miss. Regather myself. C'mon it'll stop hurting soon. And it did. And just as it did, another one flush in the same spot. Agony. Resist the urge to vomit. Scream.

What followed was a tantrum that 10 minutes later I was very embarrassed by, but at the time with the adrenaline pumping I thought was appropriate. I swore loudly and repeatedly, threw the bat down and got down on my haunches. What resulted was a bruise that is still quite spectacularly changing colour a week later and an apology and request to be punished in some way for my petulance to Haydn.

To ease the pain we had a genuinely awesome feed at an old Thai haunt of mine (not that kind of Thai haunt) that was attended by all and sundry. Some say Hillsy should have been there. Others have just revoked his Tenzing license. Some Jaeger-Bombs and some Snakebites later, and some impressive dance moves from that c*nt Neil Sharland and I was ready for bed. Until it emerged that the safe place I'd left my cloakroom ticket had since escaped my mind. Had it not been for Mike Prestons wife Helen pointing out the inner-pocket of my jeans, I would still be at Finchley Road making chitchat with a Russian speaking broken English.

The final meeting had passed. The trip edging ever closer.