You Is Well Fit

... the most dominant response I seem to get when mentioning this to people is... you? Everest??? do you mean... the mountain? In fact, my mate Justin has stated that I'll need a Yak and 3 Sherpa's just to walk up the stairs at Kathmandu airport. Then again, some say he just has a serious case of short-man syndrome who should watch his words lest Mugabe's henchman get an anonymous tip as to his current whereabouts.

Last November, I did a fair impression of somebody who was in shape. If you were to view a time-lapse since then though you would swear somebody has taken a bike-pump to cheeks and stomach. The only physical activity I've partaken in of late is the occasional 4 over allocation in a game of Twenty20 cricket where the hardest I run is during the hilarious 20 stutter-steps I take before bowling after getting the yips in my run-up earlier in the year.

So I'm about as fit as Rick Waller (left) and have endeavoured to take on arguably the hardest trek in the world. It's probably not the worst decision ever made - Craig McLachlan doing stand-up takes that title - but it's one that has raised a few eyebrows, particularly with my mother. Then again, anything that involves any of her boys out of her direct sight generally meets with her disapproval. The initial application asked for a 'moderate' level of fitness. However our fitness advisor is a former British Marine and I've already spent a Tuesday evening undertaking a bleep test. Greg Ritchie would be disgusted with all this if anybody was willing to give him the time of day, let alone ask his opinion on anything nowadays.

I've taken advice from a friend of mine Pia, who trekked to Base Camp a few years ago with her Dad (Australia's answer to Sir Ranulph Fiennes), and she claims that smokers and people who are overweight are more likely to make the trek as they are used to the pressure on their lungs. So in summary, my Curry-Diet is simply a dedicated regime of creamy sauce, oil, salt, and fried onions in order to make it to the top. Alls I need to do now is prevent myself from spluttering like a 13 year old behind the bike sheds at school every time I take a drag and I'll be crowned alongside Ian Thorpe as one of Australia's greatest athletes.

Pia has claimed that she didn't train allot prior to the expedition and that she was given the equivalent of Nepalese Speed to get her through, however she has a habit of massively understating any achievement so I'm not sure what to believe. One thing is for sure, if you're my mother reading this, I definitely won't be touching any drugs.