Tenzing Bible

Tenzing
Notable talent with willow or leather is seeping from the pores of every Zinger from day one. It is our right and honour to control and harness these skills for the joy of others.

Squad of players representing Tenzing Norgay

Format = Name, nickname, marital status, best feature and personal details, favourite song, quote and a little extra info from G-man and Tooves.


Haydn Andrew Main ("Spaniard")
29yrs, Virgo, single, chest (of a lion), My Dick (by Mickey Avalon, as played in Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay), "Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast" (An Ideal Husband)
Right arm medium bowler
RH bat
Captain Haydn 'THE MAN' Main has the character sub-zero from Mortal Combat designed in his likeness for his ice cold demeanour and because he rips people heads off with their spine still attached. A scholar and warrior poet he has studied the art of War by SUN TZU, the Wisden back catalogue and Phil 'the cat' Tufnell's autobiography to increase his knowledge.


Nicholas Edward Mullineux (Mulleineuaeruur)
28yrs, Gemini, Married, Able to look down on almost everyone, House of the rising sun. Nil illegitimi carborundum
Nick’s world tour culminated in Jamaica, when to show who’s boss, approached the head Yardy and ripped his heart out with his bare hands before writing ‘This is my turf’ in his victims blood. A breeding pedigree that’s a perfect amalgamation of the world’s fiercest tribes, Nick will pulverise the opposition, umpires, and tea-ladies before others have had the time to strap on a boot.

James Carrington (JC)
29 yrs, Cancer, single, little ears, High Way to Hell – AC/DC,
‘Sunny side up please’
Maladroit saviour and devastating all rounder James 'JC' Carrington will lure you in with his charm and likeable demeanour much like an Andrex puppy. But on the field of play, once you lower your guard; like the puppy he will crap all over your new rug or metaphorical face. His unlimited skills come from his heritage as a descendent of Jonny Bravo, Don Bradman and Jane Fonda who are his ancestors.

Chris Beale (Blinky)
29 yrs, Libra, single, Eyes or my massively ripped arms, Fans - Kings of Leon,'… yeah so I spent last summer working on a farm looking after disabled animals…It was a pretty rewarding experience…'
Lethal pace-man Christopher 'BLINKY' Beale is so nick named because a batsman once blinked during a delivery from Chris and woke up drinking his teeth through an oxygen mask. His resting heart rate is 1bpm and his capacity for furious competition is exponential. So respected in his native land Richie Macaw cleans his toilet and Jonah Takalua is a representation of his school days.

Mike Preston (Big Mike)
32 yrs, Taurus, depends who's asking, firm handshake, Victoria (Exponents) - university anthem, 'Whatever it Takes'
International Kiwi rower and Dolph Lungdren's stunt double Mike 'DOLPH' Preston works in London and still lives in New Zealand! He cycles and swims the journey each morning followed by eating a killer whale and a small kitten. A secret weapon so devastating he is on the FBI’s ten most wanted list and is probably a KGB spy.

James Butler -
Erm, JB? WK, RH Bat, Bowl R Arm wheel of fortune.
· 33, Pisces, Married
· Nepalese looking eyes, they are going to ensure I get the "local" treatment when up on the mountain. When in Hong Kong recently, a hotel attendant asked whereabouts I was from in China - upon being told London, she motioned towards my eyes quizzically, saying "must be half". Fact.
· "Love me s@xy" - Jackie Moon. "I don't know if you heard me, but I did over a thousand" - R.Burgundy
Ebeneezer geezer James 'JB MA* C***' Butler is so full of testosterone he makes Chuck Norris look like a hobo and has keepers hands so fluid they make a Wolverine purr. His strike rate is 602 and the world stops turning when he bowls spin or the Earth will come of its axis. Ray Winstone based his ill-tempered volatile character in Scum after meeting JB on the tube in his early days.

Joe Williams; 23;
Scorpio (star signs are pointless); single; best feature 'inability to stop drinking large amounts of lager
Ludacris - I've got hoes; "Work smart not hard"
With willow we have Joseph 'MIGTY JOE' Williams named after Jesus’ earth Father who as the Tenzing bible remembers; was a keen opening bat, destroyer of bowlers and producer of hail Mary's much like our junior member!!

Mark Christopher Waters / Warts
34, Aquarius, Married - Father of two little girls, Mediterranean Complexion and the fact I now have pubic hair after a summer shaving incident, Paranoid Android – Radiohead,
“If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea”. “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.” / “Shut up and sit down you big, bald F*ck….”
Right arm medium/fast, seam-up/in-swing
RH Bat
Herts league opening bowler Mark 'RAPID WATERS' Waters, looks like wild fire on his run up with his auburn moulet a blur in his run up to line and length precision. He will have your off stump quivering and have batsmen wearing their jock straps on backwards to catch their excrement. A family man and gentleman off the field. Anything he doesn’t know about cricket or the karma sutra or both together isn’t worth knowing.

Neil Richard John Sharland (Sharlene)
27, Taurus, single, one goliath toe. (Rocky every time!)
Every time you hit him, it's gotta feel like he tried kissing the express train. Yeah! Let's start building some hurtin' bombs!
Brothers Sharland have become notorious trim trail alumni but there can be only one Neil 'WOLFMAN' Sharland. His arms/guns when flexed conduct electricity which causes lightening and thunder from the skies. Neil does not know but he is the offspring of a one night stand between Ulrika Johnson and Shadow on the set of Gladiators. His undefeated pugal fighting champion Father gave him his fearsome eyes, lethal power and 15 inch dong. His fine Mother gave him blonde hair, loose morals and a love of balls.

Gareth David Oliver Lewis (G-MAN)
27 yrs, Leo, single, massive head.
Voodoo people, The Prodigy,
Your "best"! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. You can’t fail if you don’t give up.
‘Right arm medium swing bowler. RH bat.
Super Athlete Gareth ‘The Unit’ Lewis would be compared with the greats of human sport were it not for the fact that he is actually a Cybernetic Organism here to fight both crime and Team Hillary in equal parts. With an onboard computer more powerful than the one million dollar man himself owns, he can predict swing, seam, pitch, and which member of the opposite team/sex has shat/moistened their pants before it actually happens.


Jonathan Roland Vasey Hill, (HOG)
Leo, single, big thighs and karate skills. Hog, 28 yrs, Crab, single, best feature - my imitation of a labrador on crack, fave song - sultans of swing, fave quote 'I was taking shrapnel in Kehsan, when you were crapping in your hands and rubbing it in your face.' Also “I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Right chuck mixalot (with tripe) RH bat (also with tripe).
Pain is such an alien sense/emotion to The Hog that he has been known to rip out one of his own ribs and eat it (with no sauce) if his meal isn’t served quick enough. Powerful, ferocious, and with a mean streak that makes Mike Tyson look like Graham Norton, even The Hogs own mother has to beg before being allowed to wish him a happy birthday. Hog has slept with so many women he makes Charlie Sheen look like a frigid Neanderthal. The majority of children under 10 are hoglets and now wears a condom at all times so not to put the gene pool in disarray.

James Markby aka Markby 29,
Fish, In relationship, Red hot chilli peppers.
The ‘Boy from Ipanema’ has it all. Speed to burn, power-hitting, deft touches, and a singing voice so smooth it can bring a lady to her knees and soothe a wailing wildebeest (or is that the other way around?). Markby’s effort-ball is so fierce that opposing batsmen have looked into hiring US Marshall’s for protection.

Kinsey Hern aka Boom Boom
27, Aries, Single, Proportion, 500 miles, "I was out walking my rat and I seem to have got lost" Apples and chickens may not seem like the background of a street fighter but Kinsey 'BOOM BOOM' Hern lives for the cricket square. Ross Kemp on gangs finished an episode on Lyonshall but was banned in 84 countries for brutality, torture and barbarism. The inventor of fight club and leader of Lyonshall gang is also a member of Farmers Union and holds the record of most headed chicken (4).

Gareth Wesley (Wes, Weslos, Lagtime, Slumdog Millionaire) 29,
Single, Groomed hair, Numb/Encore, 'you wanna see me kick some ass? I know fucking Karate'Right Arm Fast, RH Bat aggressive
The Rowing Machine had to change its name after Wes threatened to sue. It’s rumoured that upon sighting this so called ‘machine’ in the resting position, Wes went so wild with rage that the earth opened up beneath him and it took him 3 days to dig his way back out from the Earth’s core. Specialises in bouncers so sharp that batsmen often volunteer to stand behind their own stumps.



Nick Toovey (Deuce Bigalo)
28, Aquarius, Surpisingly Single, All-round Awesomeness, Dirty Pop *NSync, 'All I've got is these damn Nepalese coins'
Ex-Aussie rules under 15 Australian captain Nicholas 'MUSCLES' Toovey eats sleeps and walks cricket and sledging. He answers the phone with a pun and an insult to his Grandmother just to keep his wits guillotine sharp. He will make you feel so insecure and useless, your testicles with shrivel and die.

Name - David ChristieAKA - 'Dave' - (these Australians have quite the way with creating nicknames).
Age - 37 - young at heartStarsign - Sagittarian - love of outdoors!!Marital Status - married (in light of the fact that our baby is due not long after our return I am a lucky man to have such an 'understanding' wife)best feature - team playerfave song - Dreams - Van Halen - gets the heart pumping!fave quote - 'retaliate first' - Jack Dwyer (Aussie Rules legend)
Australian Wildlife Park owner Dave Christie is such an efficient killer of his prey that he once dressed up as a convincing stingray and killed his main rival. Relentless, merciless, and possessing of an unwillingness to give up that puts The Black Knight to shame; DC has been known to inject himself with living tissue just in case the need arises to grow a spare limb.

Nepal

Nepal, is a landlocked country in South Asia and is the world's youngest republic. It is bordered to the north by the People's Republic of China, and to the south, east, and west by the Republic of India. With an area of 147,181 square kilometers and a population of approximately 30 million, Nepal is the world's 93rd largest country by land mass and the 41st most populous country. Kathmandu is the nation's capital and the country's largest metropolitan city.

In 1947, he took part in an unsuccessful summit attempt of Everest. An Englishman named Earl Denman, Ange Dawa Sherpa, and Tenzing entered Tibet illegally to attempt the mountain; the attempt ended when a strong storm at 22,000 ft (6,700 m) pounded them. Denman admitted defeat and all three turned around and safely returned.
In 1952, he took part in two Swiss expeditions led by Raymond Lambert, the first serious attempts to climb Everest from the southern (Nepali) side, during which he and Lambert reached the then-record height of 28,215 ft (8,599 m).
In 1953, he took part in John Hunt's expedition, his own seventh expedition to Everest, in which he and Hillary became the first to reach the summit. Afterwards he was met with great adulation in India and Nepal.

Tenzing once said he thought Edmundo Hillary was bit of a jerk off and that any team named after him would most probably be of a similar disposition.


MAKE NEPALESE MATES USING THE LOCAL LINGO

Namaste
Hello
Toilet kaha cha
Where is the toilet
namitho
Not tasty
Trekking dherai gahro cha
Trekking is very hard
Momo khanne? Huncha.
Shall we eat momos (dumplings)? Yes, let’s eat
Kasto Cha?
How are you?
(Malai) Thik Cha
I am fine
Maaph garnuhos
Excuse me/ pardon me/ sorry
Kati ho?
How much?
Malai _kasi man parcha.
I like goat.
Amarillo jane baato kun ho?
Which is the road to Amarillo?
Mero Naam Neville Cheesman, Malai bum wee chahindaina
My name is Neville Cheesman, I don't need bum wee.